


there is no other side. this is it

by AnotherGayEllen



Series: what the hell would i be without you? [1]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: A lot of thoughts about death but nothing happens, Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied HIV/AIDS, Introspection, Marvin-centric (Falsettos), Stream of Consciousness, Whizzer is just barely in this, act two era, me projecting? it's more likely than you think, this is teen and up just for big sad tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26354293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen
Summary: Whizzer isn't dead yet. Marvin has to remind himself of that sometimes.Or; Marvin thinks of life, Whizzer, and the inevitable.
Relationships: Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Series: what the hell would i be without you? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934221
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	there is no other side. this is it

It’s a weird thing when something that was so loud and vibrant in your life, suddenly quietens. Whizzer isn’t dead, not yet. But Marvin finds himself grieving him ahead of time. Hurting as if his lover is already dead. He knows this isn’t what Whizzer wants, but as the inevitability of his passing becomes more and more apparent, Marvin simply can’t help it. 

It’s a funny, tragic, morbid thing when every other song about heartbreak and break-ups suddenly seem to be about death; the death of a lover. When any time someone gets sick in a movie or tv show, the atmosphere between his friends becomes immediately heavy. When sometimes, in cold, _dead_ , nights spent alone in their shared bed, staring at the empty space beside him, Marvin has to remind himself Whizzer is still alive. He isn’t here but he is alive. He isn’t coming home but he is alive. He won’t be for much longer but he is alive. Is that even being alive? 

He doesn’t dance or run or play but he is alive. He doesn’t talk as much or laugh as loudly but he is alive. He doesn’t take up space but he is alive. He doesn’t make plans for tomorrow but he is alive. The ghost of his former self already haunts their house but he is alive.  _ Heisaliveheisaliveheisaliveheisalive. _

He is so sorry- Marvin is so sorry for feeling like this. He tried not to, he doesn’t want to. What he really doesn’t want is for his boyfriend to be dead but that’s not going to happen. At this point, he knows another day of praying to God and pretending things are fine isn’t going to help. Neither will this, but at the very least this is true. Not false hope, not a lie, not a prayer, this- this is the inevitable. Marvin tells himself this may at least soften the blow, but the familiarity with death before it even comes weighs on him like a ton of bricks. 

Still, he doesn't stop himself.

Marvin thinks about the things he’ll say at the funeral. He thinks about how Jason will react. He thinks about how he - Marvin, not Jason - will describe his deceased lover to the people that will come into his life only knowing Whizzer by the recollections of the ones who knew him. How he will tell their story, previously a romance, now a tragedy. How people will remember him; Marvin included.  He thinks about how devastatingly cruel the universe is, for the statement “only the good die young” to be true. For the kindest and most lively person he has ever met to be the one with the worst faith. For Marvin to spend decades slaying his inner demons and finally win, only to be ultimately ravaged by something completely out of his control.

Marvin thinks about how self-centered he is. Maybe he hasn't made as much progress as he thought he had. Thinking about himself, how things will be for _him_ , how unfair life is to _him_ as if it's not a million times more brutal to Whizzer. As if Whizzer is a character in Marvin’s little world. His tragic backstory. But that's mostly what he will soon be, isn't it? When he's not here to tell his own story, what will exist is his place in Marvin's. And what a role he has; the savior, the answer, the martyr. Marvin would be nothing without him. It's absurd how much he changed Marvin's life in so little time. Almost as absurd as how soon after that, his will be cut short. He doesn’t want Whizzer to be his backstory. A thing for him to remember, a photograph, a part of his past, a name on a grave. He doesn’t want to carry his laugh, his voice, his heart, when Whizzer should be the one doing so. He wants more than anything for Whizzer to be his future, and to be his. For him to wake up next to Marvin every morning. To celebrate birthdays and holidays and anniversaries together. To see Jason graduate school and get married. For a slipt second, before symptoms and diagnoses and certain destinies, he _really_ thought he would. But he won’t. 

He won’t.

Everything he is, every thought he has, every emotion he feels, every dream he dreams, will be gone. There will be no Whizzer Brown. Twenty-nine years of memories, a lifetime of feelings and opinions and everything that made Whizzer  _ Whizzer, _ the universe inside his head, lost forever. With but a trace of everything he was. 

Marvin would like to think he knows enough about Whizzer to say he would still be alive through him, and Marvin does believe that through hours of conversation and honesty and intimacy, he understands Whizzer as no one else can. But it’s not the same. A person’s conscience is unequaled and untransferable. When it’s gone, it’s gone. And yet it’s so easily erased. A wound too deep, an impact too strong. A virus. And that unequaled, untransferable, infinite thing - is gone; forever. How bleak. Maybe that's why people believe in an afterlife. Lucky them.

Very soon all that will be left of Whizzer will be what he decided to share with the world and the light he brought to the lives of others. But we’re not there yet.

“Hi,” Marvin greets with a melancholic smile.

“Hi,” Whizzer smiles back.

**Author's Note:**

> *john mulaney voice* i've never talked to my therapist about this but I figured I would tell all of you
> 
> sorry if this is kind of a mess and maybe ooc but I think it's still kind of good? thanks for finishing it at least bro ily
> 
> title from bojack horseman's episode "the view from halfway down"


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